home-- post-divorce

i work with a lot of people.  people who have been married for a very long time, people who are newlyweds in their sixties, people who have been divorced once and are consummately single, people who have been divorced multiple times and who are getting ready to marry again...

the common theme is home.  everyone wants to feel more at home.  when you have been through the  intense upheaval of uprooting your home and moving out, or through the equally intense upheaval of having your soon-to-be-former spouse pack up all their things and move out-- it can take a very long time to re-organize and feel at HOME.

for some people this becomes an opportunity-- a time to have a place to live that feels 'like them'.  a time to paint rooms pink or put up frilly curtains or have an ENORMOUS television set in the bedroom.  the things that they felt they could not do with their spouse.  they may spend a lot of time seeking the right pieces of furniture and hanging the right posters on their walls.  they may embrace their new single life with gusto-- creating a strong and supportive friend group, figuring out how to get the sex they need whether they are in a relationship or not (!!),  learning how to cook for one (or six if their friends come over)-- rather than for two.

for others this is not so easy.  home was about the couple that they were in-- now it seems impossible to create a sense of home without another person.  their belongings stay in boxes in their rooms.  dust gathers.  they are not necessarily unhappy with this situation.  they may well still be going through the grief, anger, and healing that are a normal part of getting divorced.  but they still may not feel at home.

to this group i want to make some suggestions...

choose a corner of your living room and make it pleasing to you.  just one corner.  if you like dinosaurs-- put up a dinosaur poster.  find a chair you find comfortable and put that in the corner next to the dinosaurs. you can find things on craigslist, at ikea, or at tag sales.  they do not have to cost a lot of money.  find a lamp to put in that corner so that you can read at night.  it doesn't much matter what these things look like-- there is no right or wrong here-- only that you create a comfortable place for yourself to be.

now do the same thing in the kitchen.  buy or cut flowers and put them in a jelly jar on your counter.  make a little corner that means home to you.  

and your bed.  this one needs some real attention.  buy new bedding for yourself.  it is symbolic and important-- and worth every penny you will spend.  you do not have to spend a lot of money-- but buy good quality sheets and a new comforter.  buy new pillows.  choose a color that YOU like, regardless of what you have been told about that color in the past.   this is your space now and you need it to suit you.  there are no rights or wrongs-- only the need for you to put some energy into this space.

little gestures that are all about home...


1 comment:

Mika said...

Just wanted to let you know that the very first picture I bought here in Amherst was from your lovely store. I was a single mom with a toddler and just bought a cute and lovely condo. The picture says "A New Materialism" with a boy and mom with a pink cherry tree. I thought it was made for me. Love your shop and your blog!

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